Doctor's Log
by x white x rabbit x
Summary: Everyone knows Bella's side and Edward's side. But what about Carlisle. Oneshot of his life from his PoV from his change to the end of Twilight. Read A/Ns.


**A/N: This is a story from the PoV of Carlisle. It is like a journal of his thoughts throughout his entire life. I hope you likey. Review please!**

* * *

Good day, my name is Carlisle Cullen and I am twenty-three. The year is 1697 and today my father is sending me to hunt. Though I am inexperienced, I shant accuse those who should not be accused. I am writing this in hopes that one day I can give it to my own child so that he or she may know his or her father. I am quite nervous about what could become of me, but I look to God and to my faith and I feel strength inside of me.

* * *

I know not what has become of me. I awoke with a fire in my veins and a strange feeling in every centimeter of my anatomy. I feel an insane thirst, but for what I do not begin to know. I am hiding in rotted vegetation right now. I cannot go home. I remember being bitten by the creature in the sewer, the horrible bloodsucking demon. My father would have me burned at the stake. No. I cannot go home. I pray, though, often. I pray this hollowing in my throat, this want to murder all those who pass, the pounding in my ears as I hear the heartbeats, I pray it to go away. What is happening to me? There are no scars on me. My skin is as hard as stone, and yet sleek at the same time. My entire anatomy has changed. I no longer have anyone and I no longer have a home. Where is God right now? Why must I suffer so? The pain is passing now, though. I remember the first day. I wanted to just die, then and there as I crawled away and felt the burning inside of me. I still want to die. I just need to figure out how I can do it.

* * *

Dying is not a simple task for me. I've tried so many things in the past fortnight. I have jumped from the cliff out in the countryside. I have held myself under the surface of the water for hours and yet there was no burning in my lungs whatsoever. I have not eaten in a very long time, nor have I had anything to drink. I feel myself going wild inside with thirst whenever my old comrades happen by the cave I now dwell in. I yearn to be like them again, that my suffering can end and I can go back to how I was. I wish to go home to my father, to my church. Where is my God? I pray to you night and day, though I do not sleep any longer. I do not even feel remotely fatigued. I cannot cry. I cannot cut my skin with any instrument. It is impossible for me to destroy myself. Perhaps I should simply live with my fate. What else is there for me to do? I will not hurt them though. There has to be another way.

* * *

I am purely ecstatic. I regained my sanity today. The most incredible occurrence possible simply magically bestowed itself upon me. As I tried to remain curled up in my cave, a deer happened by and I simply attacked without a second thought. I was not in control of my mind at the time, but I felt an unknown power inside me as I drank the warm liquid pouring from the animal's veins. I simply could not get enough and probably drank from at least twelve of the beasts. I feel like I have committed the sin of gluttony, but I was starving. Who knows if that starvation would kill me or not. But I am sane again, and I can think. Though I crave their life liquid, it is not absolutely necessary. Humans can be spared and I can grow to like the blood of animals. There are no words to describe how happy I am right now. I've been in this state for almost a month now and I finally have come to realize I am not as repulsive as I once thought myself to be. Perhaps there is hope. Perhaps one day I shall be able to walk among them again without the fear of ripping them to shreds. Thank you, God, for showing your face to me again.

* * *

It is final, now. I no longer need to breathe. I experimented with my newfound abilities today. I swam to France. I left my old life behind. I need not look back. It was a simple swim, fast even. I've really begun to realize the full extent of what I can do. For the first time since my change, the sun came out while I was swimming. I was dazzled by myself. Though I had to remain underwater for the rest of the journey, I did not mind. No breathing was necessary. It was strange though, the loss of my sense of smell. It had been something I relied on so much until I could not breathe. When I came ashore in France, new smells greeted me all around. How could I have missed such a place? England had been filthy. France was a paradise. There was ambrosia all around. Upon arrival, though, I killed a wolf and drank from it. It was delicious. For quite a while, I was comfortable walking among the humans. It was nice. It was a wonderful change from what I knew. Yes, there is definitely hope now. I do not know how often I shall write, but I hope to explore the rest of this marvelous continent.

I have met others of my kind as well whilst I have been here in France. They say there is a large coven in Italy that I should speak to as soon as I possibly can. I believe that shall be my next stop, Volterra, Italy.

* * *

I arrived at the home of the Volturi today. They were more civilized than any of the other members of my kind that I have ever met. They were old, from Roman days mostly. They were inspiring, beautiful creatures. I swore they knew everything there is to know about the world and even things that are to come. Their names are Aro, Caius, and Marcus. I find Aro to be the most genial. Caius, though inviting, seems to harbor ill-will towards my life choice. I have been this way for a year. I have grown used to this life now. I have accepted it completely and now I search for myself. God has placed me here and now I must find out exactly why I have been given this life, this second chance, this opportunity to live forever. I do not have to be eternity's monster. I hope to be someone who can help others. Humans are still a small temptation, but I have not wavered from my resolution whatsoever. Farewell.

* * *

One hundred years have passed since my change. I am still in Italy and I can breathe the air around human beings without a single fear whatsoever. I often attend nighttime classes at one of the Universities in the area. I want to help the human race still. Aro encourages me greatly and we have become fierce friends. Marcus accepts me as family now but Caius still harbors a grudge and I feel it is because I am happy. I notice a hatred in him towards most and it makes me sorry he must suffer so very much. I have finally truly understood eternity now, I fully understand what I can do. I feel happier than I have ever known as the days seem to fly in front of my golden eyes like minutes. The years pass like days. I have, though, begun to question my place here. How much longer must I remain here while my friends press me to try the natural food source? How long will my conscience remain clean when they bring their young female prey home at night and the poor girl does not see the next morning? I will be leaving soon.

* * *

When I was told that the new world was a land of opportunity, I had no inkling of just how incredible the place could be. I have been in this country for forty years now. I have begun to feel alone though and pressured as I work so diligently to continue my education in medicine. The developments that have been made since my youth. Things such as these are simply incredible as my years quickly pass. I cannot wait to find more of my kind and perhaps this time I shall come across my kind that shares my views on how to treat my so-called natural source of food.

There are rumors flying of a war that is about to happen. From what I know of American politics, the problem is over state's rights. I am curious to see how these things unfold. I worry, though. This country is strong and should not be broken apart. It is the year 1859 and as far as I have seen, the war is between different sides of the same country. It confuses me. Why fight? You have so very much in common. I pray I do not get sent into the war. For that express purpose, I am hoping that if I can escape to education again, I can avoid the fighting and bloodshed.

* * *

There are angels in this world, kind people who change my life. The year is 1911 and today I had the privilege of treating a young girl who was simply the most beautiful creature I have seen in my life. Esme Platt was her name. She had broken her leg climbing a tree. Her mother had called the closest doctor immediately and that was none other than me. I love the life I have chosen, this life of helping the people of the world. It is amazing how liberated I feel. I can accomplish things that no other doctor in the world can and yet my kind is not suppose to help mankind but to hunt it. My ears can detect a faulty heartbeat easily. My nose can smell some diseases. I feel so incredibly powerful in this life. I am afraid, though. I have heard rumors of a disease about to come about. The center of the country right now is in Chicago, where I am headed to next.

* * *

Chicago is a brilliant city even with the epidemic flying around. Loneliness is beginning to grip me completely. I need someone to spend eternity with. I need a family. I had always hoped for one but I am at a loss of how to make a family. As far as I know, it is impossible for me to have a family through natural means. It is 1918 and I sit in a ward of the hospital watching over the Masen family. I am intrigued by this family. They have normal lives, worship the same God as I do. Why do people deserve to die? Elizabeth asks me that often while I tend to her. I am so saddened by her condition and even more saddened by the condition of her son. Her husband died a few days ago and it was almost like she was not surprised by the turn of events at all. Edward, her son, falls asleep often and it scares me so much. Elizabeth survived her husband's death, could she survive the death of her only and beloved child? She talks to me often of how she sees so much good in me that she wants to see in Edward one day. She knows she is going to die. She has made a request that if her son survives I should raise him. I did not respond to that request. She fell to sleep shortly after that.

* * *

Elizabeth shocked me last night. Just before she died, I swear she knew I was not human. She gripped my arm with far more strength than any dying woman should have in them and told me to save her son. Edward was dying any day now. He had fallen asleep three days ago and odds were that he would not wake up. They had already put him in the ward with others like him. I wish to heed Elizabeth's request, but it frightens me. What if I cannot do this right? What if my soon to be son dies in the process. What happens if he does not want my way of life? I have grown wise in my years, but am I ready to raise a son? Obviously I answered in the resounding affirmative. I sit now in my home and the boy wrestles with the pain in this room. He wakes occasionally, asking me to kill him. I simply cannot do it. He is in pain, but the pain passes. Two days and he will be fine. Two days.

* * *

Though the days pass quickly for myself, I am sure they were impossible for Edward Anthony Masen. His change was complete a week ago and I have spent much time teaching him. He constantly asks me why I have done this to him. It makes me sad. I hope he does not revile himself as much as I once despised my own self. I see good in him, a great amount of it. I have hope for the boy but we must leave soon, in less than a few years. I am planning on going to Wisconsin. I have a family now, thankfully. Edward seems fine with denying himself his normal meat. He enjoys hunting down the mountain lions. I fear I have already become greatly attached to the boy. He is my son now. He says he remembers me well from the hospital, remembers me as the man who constantly tried to save his family. Though he misses his mother, he is grateful that I did every single thing I could and even fulfilled his mother's final request.

* * *

I do not fully understand the pain that Esme Platt has been through. She has such a powerful and loving heart. How could I pass such a beautiful creature up? Yes, I have changed her as well and it worries Edward greatly. He is beginning to become restless as well, finding difficulty with remaining 'clean' of the human blood. I worry for him, but more I worry for Esme. She's told me her story, one of pain and sadness. I feel for her deeply though there is no possible way for me to empathize. She told me she remembers me and, as I explained to her what had become of her, she accepted it without a second thought. She seems encouraged by Edward's presence and the two of them made fast friends with each other. No. Friends is the wrong word. She is so mothering to him and she almost reminds me of Elizabeth. She will be good for the entire family and she shares my ideas of remaining clean from human deaths.

* * *

Love is a strange thing. My dearest Esme and I have been married for almost a decade. Though my son's bought of rebellion has made both of us sad, we have hope for him. He will return to us soon. I know he cannot live with murder. I feel I have neglected to mention why he has chosen to let his eyes burn red. He has a strange ability to hear the minds of others. He feels he can get away with killing the ones he deems deserve to die. I worry about him immensely. He has been gone for three years now. I can see the sadness in my dearest Esme. She had already begun to mother him, to love him like her son and he has left her. She loves him so much and she worries about him every single time we hear about a murder in the news where a body was found drained of all fluids. My son, why are you doing these things?

* * *

Edward returned to us in 1931. He seemed to feel guilt overpowering him and was repulsed by human blood. I want him to know the happiness I know when I have Esme. I feel I have found one for him in Rosalie Hale, a girl who was thoroughly taken advantage of by her repulsive fiancé. She had been raped, left to die, when I found her. Thoughts in the town screamed of her beauty. She was known for being kind, being good to others, charitable, a woman of God. I chose her. She was going to die anyway and I wanted to save her. I was disappointed by her reaction to the change. She hated herself as I had hated myself. She would come to accept it as I have though. Edward does not want her, not in the way I had hoped. Nor does she pine for him. She tells me stories of her life when she was a human, her desperate want to have a child, to raise a family. I tell her that one day when she is ready she can have a family like the one I have made for myself. She says that is not what she means. She wants to mother children and watch them grow into phenomenal people. I am so inspired by her powerful will. She will do anything she promises to do. Anything she sets her mind to is simply done without a single complain. Tenacious. That is the word Esme and Edward agreed upon as her personality. I am impressed by her. I expect great things from my first daughter. I worry though. She is vindictive. After her change she went and killed her fiancé rather mercilessly. She scared him very much, as well. She did not drink his blood, she says she was not tempted to. I hope it was a onetime thing. I cannot have a killer in my family.

* * *

When Rosalie arrived, I knew she was a determined girl, but I had no idea how strong of a person she was as well. She came to me with her choice today. She found a man being attacked by a bear while she was out hunting. He had been a drunken oaf and she smelled it in his blood as the bear was about to completely destroy him. Rosalie saw something in him, something she would not tell me and has worked incredibly hard to keep from Edward, that she wanted in her partner. I gave into her pleas. After all, she made a tireless journey of sweat and pain simply to bring him here in hopes of saving him. I was thoroughly impressed, not because she is weak, but because she has done something to help someone else. She has done something to create that family she wants so much. I love my family and the addition of Emmett is definitely welcomed. He will be a good brother to Edward as well. We need to move soon, though. I am becoming too old for my hospital now. I'm claiming thirty. I know I cannot pass for much older than that. I've been looking at a town in Washington called Forks. Supposedly many of my kind pass through that area. I am intrigued by it. Right now Emmet goes through the change as he screams from the room next door and Rose is holding him down, comforting him, guiding him through death and back to life. I can see it already, she loves him and he will love her undoubtedly. It seems we should prepare for another wedding soon.

* * *

We have moved to Forks and believe me, I never expected such things to happen. When I was with my father, back when I was human, he told me of the existence of many other creatures besides simply vampires. I had no idea he was right. We have encountered the Quileute tribe there, living on the beaches of Forks. They are werewolves and they call us _cold ones_. They have a great disliking of us and I could feel that as soon as we arrived. It definitely had Edward on edge as he saw all of their minds so easily. I am thankful for his talents. They help the family a great deal. Treaties were made as soon as the tribe found out our alternative lifestyle. I was glad for it. We assured them that the treaty would not be broken. No human would be bitten by us, ever. We will spend a few years here. Edward wants to attend college again and I think Emmett and Rosalie are planning on joining him. Rose was married a few months ago to Emmett. The family is happy and I am still just as madly in love with my beautiful Esme. Nothing in the world could make me part from such a soft creature as her. Our love is strong, but she fears for Edward, her favorite of our children. She wants him to feel the way I feel when I am with her, but Edward expresses no interest in anyone, human or vampire, that we have met.

* * *

We had visitors today. Alice and Jasper were their names. I am so very intrigued by them. They are similar to Edward. For example, Alice knew my name and the names of everyone in our family before even speaking with us. I was thoroughly impressed. She had never had a drop of human blood in her life, but she has absolutely no memory of ever being human. She says she has been alive in this respect for only a very short while, and Jasper, on the other hand was a soldier in the Civil War. As soon as I met him, the suspicion in me vanished immediately and was replaced by a calm sense of respect for both of them. Edward told me that Jasper was new to our way of life. He also is deeply intrigued by Alice, her visions of the future and her stories of how she found us as soon as she awoke, how she had a vision of the entire family and knew that she belonged with us and how she saw Jasper and knew she was to be his. The two of them are such rare beings and their love is so pure. Both are good people and I see a hope in Jasper that I have never known in any being before. He wants so desperately to be good. How can I deny him entrance to my family? The Quileute tribe will not like it. We leave for a coven in Alaska before the month is over.

* * *

Denali is an interesting place to me. The cold does not bother me, but it never has. The family has made fast friends with the coven in Denali. Edward refuses to return the advances of our hostess, Tanya. Then again, she only wants him because he is a man. She is like that, though she is a very caring woman. We will spend a few years here, I think. They are very hospitable and with the small population it is very easy to be inconspicuous while we are here. Emmett has taken sport to fighting with the large number of bears here. I keep warning him not to impact the environment too much. Alice likes to go out into the freezing water and just swim. I am at a loss of how to describe her quirky personality even after the length of time we have spent together. Jasper remains indoors, often very moody and quiet as he tries to suppress his hunger. The Denali sisters are keeping him occupied, though, helping him with his thirst and keeping him busy playing cards and games. We've taken up baseball thanks to our friends here in Denali. They love it. The barren land makes it easy and I have never before seen a game of such intensity. Obviously. Esme and I remain happy and now we find our family complete. She has taken up sketching buildings, designing them. She has a talent for it. Next time we move, we will buy and house and change it to whatever she wants. She still worries for Edward though, insisting he is lonely but…he seems perfectly happy to me.

* * *

We have decided it is high time we move back to Forks. The year is 2005 and after celebrating an Alaskan millennium, we feel it is time we split from our friends here and make our lives. So, we did move and we had a house built in the outskirts of the town and did exactly what I had promised to my lovely wife. We designed the house exactly as she wanted it, we took out walls, painted, bought a great amount of furniture and I got a job at the hospital here as a doctor. I was accepted quickly and they marveled at the skills of such a young man. Little do they know I have been through medical school once every twenty years and I have been alive for more than 300 years? We are happy here and as soon as the new school term starts, Edward and Alice will enroll as sophomores and Jasper, Rose, and Emmett will enroll as juniors in Forks High School. I figure if they pretend to be of high school age we can stay here longer. That cannot be asking too much of it, can it?

* * *

I do not know what has happened to my son. It was the first day of the new semester and he came to the hospital in a rage, saying he needed the Mercedes and was going to Denali. He told me of Isabella Swan, the girl who would be his undoing if he got too close to her again. I worry for him, but he is gone now. He called last night when he arrived and said the cold air helped clear his head and that Tanya was talking him through things. He said he would be back in a week. Esme is depressed with him gone. And I know Edward hates hurting her, but she would be hurt even more if he fell off the wagon and killed the Swan girl and the family had to relocate again. He made the right choice. When he is able to deal with it, when he is able to gain full control, he will be fine around the girl. Another thing about her the pair of them confuses me though. Her thoughts are inaccessible to him. He has never been forced from a mind before, but her mind seems blank to him, completely devoid of all thought, like she is not there, but she sits there and she moves and breathes, but Edward hears no mind there. It unnerves him and aggravates him. I could tell in his voice when he told me of it.

* * *

There was a bad fight tonight. Rosalie and Edward are not on speaking terms at the moment. In fact, I think she might hate him right now. She has no excuse, though. Edward saved the Bella girl from certain death. How can she be so cruel as to say the things she has said? Either way, my son made an offbeat choice today. He saved the Swan girl, the girl he has barely even spoken to. He claims to me that if she were mauled then and there he wouldn't be able to restrain himself, but Rose claims he is lying. She thinks he has feelings for the human girl. Esme seems delighted by that idea but does not speak of it except to me. I cannot begin to comprehend what is going on in this family right now. Alice's visions are flashing at different scenarios at a mile per minute. The one she is most excited about: Edward happy with the Swan girl, Bella being a part of our family in both marital ties and supernatural ones. I tell her to keep them to herself. Odds are they would only make Edward angry.

* * *

After getting my promise not to tell anyone along with Alice's, Edward left tonight and spent the night with Bella. She did not know it, of course. When he returned, there was euphoria in him that I had never known before. It made both Esme and I happy to see him so happy. I worry though. He should not get too close to a human girl without thoughts of changing her. The Volturi are very clear on those guidelines. No humans can know of the existence unless they will serve as food or future coven members. Alice is overly excited about the whole thing, though, while Rosalie is often not spending any time with her brother any longer. Emmett, for fear of being in the 'doghouse' agrees with his love. Edward refuses to tell a soul what happened while he spent the night in Bella's room, watching her sleep. Alice has her ideas, but no one can be quite sure.

* * *

It was an interesting night, you know? Edward came home very late and without Emmett who decided to stay in the Goat Rocks while Edward went and saved Bella from a group of…immoral men in Port Angeles. She knows everything now. The Volturi cannot know that or Bella would be killed and my family under the microscope. Edward loves her. It has become incredibly obvious. I have only encountered the girl once, but from what he tells Esme and myself, I get the feeling that she returns his feels very passionately and physically, while my son, on the other hand, fears touching her. He keeps asking me about how it feels to be in love. He asks the same of Esme. My dear wife is ecstatic over the entire development. I am happy for my son too, but I worry. Perhaps he should distance himself, but he refuses. In fact, he plans to spend an entire day with her, by herself. He wants to show her the sun of his treasured meadow. How can I deny him when he is so happy, feels so free with everything? I never imagined he could be like this in a millennium.

* * *

Edward brought Bella over today after spending the night with her. Yes, she is a kind girl and I can see just how much she does love him. Alice's visions are beginning to worry us, though. She sees company coming. It is not a safe thing with our family having a human girl around so often. But that is beside the point. Edward took the time to tell Bella the story of my life, but in far less detail than this humble journal ever could describe. He plans to take her with us tonight for baseball. Having her in the open could change the course of the visitors. I worry, but I won't let Edward see that worry.

* * *

Bella, Alice, and Jasper left last night for Phoenix. Edward, Emmett, and I are hunting after James. This is not safe, not in the least. James will have to die to keep Bella alive, but we keep missing him. Rose and Esme are keeping a close eye on Chief Swan. I am so very worried for Edward. He longs for the moments when he is free to call them. I am sure Alice and Jasper have things under control, though. Then again, Alice called recently with a vision of two different places. Edward is in a rage, ready to rip James apart himself right now.

* * *

The plane ride is unfathomably long for me as Edward continues to ask me how much longer until we land. He so desperately wants her in his arms again. He has not expressed where he will take her, but he is taking her far away.

* * *

I am tending to Bella at the hospital in Phoenix. Edward will not leave her side no matter who comes in for visiting hours. He loves her so deeply. I wonder, at times, why he chose not to let her change right here. Perhaps he was not willing to let her endure the pain, but I doubt that. He talks to me about religion often now. He wants to know if he is damned and I have to tell him frequently that he is not. We will be taking Bella back home very soon. I had the wonderful opportunity of meeting her mother. A sweet woman, definitely, though her husband is quite young, but…then again, Esme is about two hundred years younger than I am.

I do not know when I will make an entry again. One day I will give this to Edward when he has his own family. Esme, Alice, Emmett, and I pray it is with Bella. Rosalie does not claim to hate the girl, only that she is jealous because Bella has the ability to have a real family and live a boring life while she cannot go through the joys of pregnancy or raise a baby. I worry about her. She is leaving with Emmett soon, though. I know not where they are going just yet, but hopefully she will be able to think straight when she leaves.

Edward is infinitely happy. I never imagined he could be like this. My son has finally found the love of his life, his existence. I pray he keeps her for his entire existence. Alice is pressuring him in that direction, saying one day he will have to. There is no way he could ever possibly find another to match him so perfectly ever again. She claims it must be soon. Bella is aging every single day. Jasper is doing well, slowly but surely still fighting his thirst and his control. He will be fine in a decade or so I hope.

And then there is my Esme. She is happy because we all are happy. She lays next to me as I write this, curled up next to me, her soft billows of light hair cascading across her face as her eyes stay closed. She is thinking, as always, about the family, about her family. I will never find a more pure creature in my entire life. There is no one so capable of love that I could ever know. The capacity of heart makes mine want to beat again. If I could cry, I would cry because of her presence, because she moves me so deeply.

Edward, my son, may you be this happy with Bella one day. Esme, I love you more than you can comprehend. Edward, you will never know all the lessons you have taught me. Alice, you bring joy to us all with your strange attitude. Jasper, you bring the family more hope than we could know. Emmett, you amaze us with your constant determination. Rosalie, you shatter the hearts of mortal men, but will do everything in your power to keep the hearts of your family members whole.

And to Bella, if you ever get your hands on this, you have changed my family down to its core. You brought my eldest son more happiness than I have ever seen in him. One day I hope to call you my daughter just as I call the rest of my family. No words can describe how grateful I am to you. You are so understanding, so stubborn. Edward loves every single part of you. Through you, he will redeem all the sins he has found in himself, though everyone else feels he has been redeemed. He saves lives, he saved yours countless times.

I thank God every single day for the life he has given me here. I remember when I hated myself for being what I am. I am far more happier in this life than I ever was in my human life. Thank you.

_Carlisle Cullen_

2006

* * *

**A/N: Alright, well that's that. It's Carlisle from the change to the end of Twilight. I am actually really happy with this and if I get enough of a positive response I will consider continuing it into New Moon and Eclipse and Breaking Dawn when that comes out. So, you should review lots and lots! Sorry if I didn't capture your views of Carlisle as accurately as you hoped, but this is how I see him, so...yeah. If you know me on the lex, it's bekah, you know the pres of the CoCL. Yeah. I have all rights to write a story like this.**

**Right, now I will see you later!**


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